


By The Time I'm Learning How To Love

by watashinomori



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, Young Justice - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bat Family, Birdflash - Freeform, Damian's POV, Feeling of being unable to love, Feeling of not belonging, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-12 14:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5668984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watashinomori/pseuds/watashinomori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are two kinds of things for me in this world. Things I hate and things I don't like.</p>
            </blockquote>





	By The Time I'm Learning How To Love

**Author's Note:**

> It's been really a long time since I last wrote anything. [I posted a explanation on my tumblr](http://watacchan.tumblr.com/post/136680363712/so-if-anyone-noticed-its-been-a-very-long-time). I'm trying to get back on track. I hope you guys like this. I'm not a big fan of POV's. But sometimes they are needed.

There are two kinds of things for me in this world. Things I hate and things I don't like.

I don't have friends and no matter what the acephalous members of my family think (I know I'm being a little inconsistent, but I needed to make a point) I don't love them. I respect their strength and experience (except obviously for Red Obnoxiously Stupid Robin). Although this isn't love. I was not made for love. I was created to be a killer machine and to be the head of the League of Assassins. I can choose to not be what I am, but I cannot choose to be what I'm not.

I won't deny I feel guilty every time Grayson's reach out for me, or when Todd tries his best to click with me (usually everyone guess we are killing each other, though). But what crushed my heart was the guilty towards West. First time Wallace showed up at home was when I had just arrived.

It was overwhelming trying to fit into that family. Father had them as sons and me as the stranger threatening his lair. Mother's words about how I was intended to be a shadow over Father's life rang in my brain, just as if I had just heard them. I thought he was alone, but he didn't need me.

And then Grayson showed up, on the very next day. Smiley and jumpy, yelling about how cute I was (I may be exaggerating a little, but it was really loud and annoying). He fell straight into my hate category. I couldn't hate nothing more than I hated Grayson. Not. Even. Drake!

He was the zenith of everything I wanted to be. The first Robin, the first son, the prodigy, the leader of the Team, the heir. Everything that was mine by birthright was his by earning. He earned those things, and I hated him for that. I hated how he so easily accepted me, while Father was still suspicious. How he showed me his Nightwing costume and asked me if I would step in the cowl. If I wanted to be the next Robin. Father was silent all the time, he tried to growl a negative, but the bright smile in Dick's… Grayson's face shuts him up.

Next time Grayson returned home he was with this huge dork redhead. He was too happy and too sappy. Pinched my cheeks. He didn't make the Hate List, he made the Already Dead List. I hated Grayson even more for bringing him to our home. It was only the second time I met with Grayson, and that Not A Member of My Family was there stealing his attention. He was supposed to spar with me and train me to be a Robin. Father was reluctant about a former assassin wear that cowl.

The whole morning was spent with idiotic movies and games. Those things were pointless. But Grayson asked me to sit through it, despite hating him, I had the utmost respect for him. I did. But when we finished lunch and he asked if we should go to the Batcave (yes, he used the bat before cave. It was dreadful) I couldn't contain myself and my joy. It would be the first (actually second… but the break in didn't count) time I was in the cave.

The dork laughed of my excitement and whispered something to Grayson. He broadened his smile and guided us to the cave. The whole time I asked to Grayson why rust was with us and why he knew about the cave. The malevolent old Robin would just smile and whistle, holding his little piece of information to himself.

Father wasn't in there, he had traveled overseas to investigate a lead about Light's remaining business. A lead I gave him. I betrayed my Grandfather, giving him this information, and I was repaid with distrust. Left home to try to achieve be a Robin, while Drake was with him, bearing his last name, being the son I was supposed to be.

“So, Little D, are you supposed to be really good in close combat, amirite?” I was so willing to punch that annoying smile away.

“And distance too. But I'm way better in close combat” I was being humble, I excelled both of them.

“If you knock me down three times you win. Okay?” I agreed.

I charged to him, I knew him, aerial combat was his best, so keep it to the ground, use your height against him and win. Show him you are Robin material. Show him you can. And somehow I was on the ground. He was way too elusive. I could hit him, but never grab him and bring him down. As I grew irritated I started to make more mistakes, and I was on the floor a second time.

“Cool down, Baby Bird” he smiled. “If it will make you feel better I'm not holding up. I'm going full power on you, trying to know your limits” he lifted me up, smiling.

“You're not being tested, Damian” the redhead said. He was watching our spar. “You're being trained.”

As much as I hate to admit, that did the trick. Suddenly, I was filled with confidence. I managed to bring Grayson down one time. He was tired and there were lots of bruises on him. I was proud of my achievement. I was bragging.

“Okay, that I wasn't expecting” he sat panting and smiling. “And I know your little dirty trick with your height. I used to be small too” the redhead, I'm intentionally avoiding his name at this point because by then I didn't know it, laughed too hard. “You being bigger than me still does not count, love!”

“Sure thing, baby” that was the reason I didn't know his name. They just used pet names.

“Okay, I'm officially tired!” Rust shrugged and muttered a sorry, for what I have no idea. Grayson says I pouted, I think the floor had hit his head hard. “Don't worry, Baby Bird, you will keep sparring. Just not with me.”

“But with whom? _Him_?” I pointed, Grayson nodded. “He wouldn't handle this. I would kill him, accidentally” not much.

“Oh, didn't I present him? I'm sorry” he didn't look apologetic. “He is Wallace West, the Flash” I hate to admit (and, yes, Admit was the top 1 of my Hate List) my jaw dropped.

He changed his clothes in a flash, and this will be the first and last pun I'll do in my life not related to Tim I'm Idiot Drake. “Ready?” he asked and I could only nod. Too psyched to speak. Then he answered to my nod with what would be the first time I heard of Grayson's Slaughter of English: “Aster!”

“Why are you talking about flowers?” and I was on the ground.

After that day West and Grayson visited a lot. He and West were way too close. Too fond to each other. If I'd asked anyone they would answer it was their way, their friendship. But neither Grayson nor West treated their other friends like that (they brought lots of them to train with me). Not even Barbara Gordon. And Grayson always proclaims his love for her.

“Why would you return now?” I overheard Father one day.

“I think the way you treat Damian is wrong” it was Grayson, and he seemed mad. And overhear became eavesdrop. “You ignore him, you don't acknowledge his deeds!”

“I do! I'm just...”

“Afraid he will kill first thing when on the streets? You don't acknowledge him! He changed. He is capable of controlling himself!”

“You weren't there!”

“When, Bruce? When you met Damian for the first time or in Jason's first patrol?” there was silent. “He isn't Jason!”

“He isn't you.”

Richard Grayson, the perfect son, the perfect Robin. Everyone who followed was a cheap imitation. Me included. I wasn't ready for the loud noise the slap Grayson gave Father made.

“He is your son! Your blood!”

“That's what I'm afraid of! He is too much like me!”

“But he isn't you!” his voice wasn't angry anymore, and I tried my best to find a way to look into the room. “Unlike you, he has a family. So don't push him away anymore. I'll be here for you and him, I won't let this happen like it happened to Jason. I'll train him and will teach him anger management” he laughed. “Come on, Bruce, Jason didn't end up that bad. Only one death on his belt, let's be honest, that is a plus” for the first time, and I guess it's the only, I heard Father laugh. The perfect, perfect son.

After that Grayson moved into the manor. He told me his apartment was being fumigated, but I knew the truth. I wasn't trusted. And that broke my heart. I gave them nothing but respect and they couldn't accept me.

West came along with Grayson, he didn't live in the manor, but it seemed like he did. And I could grasp a little more of their relationship. Holding hands, stares, late night talks by the fireplace. They were obviously in love. And that was weird for me. I knew lust, didn't feel, but saw it. Todd and my mother were pure lust. They never stared each other... on their eyes, there wasn't talk or caress. And knowing I knew about him and Mother was the reason Todd hadn't showed up yet. He even confirmed this later.

“C-Can I come in?” I bit my lower lip, I was utterly annoyed. There was something I couldn't understand, I had to turn to Father and to worst I was stuttering.

“Sit” his look was stern, he frowned at me. “Something's wrong?”

“Ah… It's not… not wrong” I felt my cheek burn and my eyes watering. I was embarrassed and still couldn't understand why I decided to come to him.

“So, what is it?” that small word got me chuckling. ' _So_ '. It was a small vicious Grayson had, saying 'so' before sentences. I never had noticed he got that from Father.

“Sorry, it's just Grayson also uses so before saying something” his look seemed less… Batmanish.

“Yes, I kind of caught this habit from him. Too much exposure. Be warned, it's your fate as well” I laughed. He seemed to smile. “So… mething happened?”

“Not really, no. I'm just. I don't understand.”

“What?”

“Grayson and West” he was brooding again. “Are they in love?”

“Damian, I don't believe this talk is proper to your age” he mumbled.

“Why not? I'm not asking from where the babies come from, _daddy_. I know that” I smirked at his confused face. “I want to know if Grayson is in love with West! It's love I can't understand!” Father sighed and rose up. He came to me and hugged me. “What?”

“I'm sorry. I'm really bad with all of this too” he was kneeling before me, eyes at same level. “I guess they are. They are together, at least. As a couple” I felt betrayed at the same time I was happy. “I don't believe they are trying to hide it from you. It's just, Dick is afraid you wouldn't like him, he really yearns your acceptance” Wasn't it the other way around?

“But I don't like him” I whispered. “I can't like anyone. He has my utmost respect, but like, I never knew how it was” the silence fell in.

I started to stalk Grayson and West after that. Their dates, their missions, their sneak out. Drake came to me and gave me a lecture about privacy. I couldn't care less for him and his lessons. But when Cassandra showed up, all dressed as Batgirl, and half told me, half gesture me that I should stop, well, you simply can't say no to the daughter of Lady Shiva, can you?

It was rather infuriating. Not understand something. Why would they always hug, and held their hands. Seriously, it is a bit of complicated to walk constricted by another person, why would they do it?

To be honest, that confusing feeling was getting in the way of my training. Grayson was trying to teach me acrobatics and I was failing miserably. He seemed worried. It was one unusual time, West wasn't there with us. He had gone on a mission off planet (that time I thought it was the most incredible thing, but when he narrated to me how the mission was it seemed a little bit boring). I gave up trying to do anything.

“What's in your head, little D?” he sat by my side, half hugging me.

“You and West” he went white.

“What about us?” he gave out a weird laugh.

“Why are you in love with him?” it was hard to hide his shock, but he tried. Until he sighed and ran a hand on his hair.

“There is no reason. I just am” said at least.

“But why? Why would anyone love anyone? Is it not weird? It is a weakness!”

“No, it is a strength. You guys give me strength” it took me by surprise. ' _You guys_ '? Me included?

I hated that. That feeling that brought tears to my eyes. The feeling of betrayal. Because I couldn't requited that love.

“I don't love you” and I hate my honesty.

A mix of feelings crossed Grayson's eyes. I wish I had Cain training, because I couldn't identify none of those. But he smiled at the end. He muttered a ' _Yeah_ ' and stood up, bringing me with him. We went upstairs and spent the rest of the afternoon watching silly Disney movies and eating things I'm sure Pennyworth wouldn't approve.

After that, was a parade of ' _I love you_ '. Every single time he had, Grayson managed to say an ' _I love you_ ' to me (once he was driving by my school and shouted in front of my whole class). It usually was confusing and embarrassing, but it felt nice hearing those things. It was the first time anyone said those to me. Until that, the most loving thing I heard was ' _You are fitting to be the Heir of the Al Ghul_ '.

I couldn't explain, but somehow our relationship had changed. Grayson spent time with me more frequently, and his smiles came easier (like that was possible). The training kept his pace, but all the other time we had together was more calm, more tender. Those times brought a warmth I'd never felt before.

It was so weird that I once searched for Grayson after a nightmare. Every time I had a nightmare before I would just sit on my bed and called back the senses in my head. “ _It was a dream, you worthless shit. Go back to sleep so you can keep up your training the next day!_ ” that's how I usually dealt with nightmares, before and after meeting Father. But one day I just crawled to Grayson's room and knocked his door. I don't want to think what they were doing in there, but Grayson brought me to his bed and he and West soothed me (that was when I heard about his mission off world. So boring I fell asleep).

When the Light showed up again, this time bringing a monster with them. Darkseid. The fight was hard. But in the end we won. At least, we probably had. However, our losses were too much to that count as a victory. Was that time Drake gave up his cowl. He blamed himself for everything. And I couldn't bring myself to tell him otherwise. Deep down, I've blamed him too.

It was his plans, his team, his leadership. If he hadn't led his group to the belly of the beast, Father would never have gone after him. If he hadn't guided Kon-El to death, Father never would sacrifice himself to bring Drake back. And to this day I can't understand why Drake is alive and Father is dead.

We hadn't a Batman. And was only then Jason thought about coming back to Gotham. As a new Batman. This new distorted version of the Dark Knight was handing the last resort. He showed up armed to his teeth. Dick wasn't willing to become the successor, Drake was feeling too guilty to step into that cowl (and maybe there is a god because if he had wore Father's cowl I would kill him). Cassandra tried, but she lacked a few skills, like a proper speaking to intimidation. But she could compensate really good by kick arses. Of all foes that rose from Father's death, Jason was the most terrifying, because not only he was killing, he was gathering support.

Batwoman accepted him, along side with Azrael. The cops, in spite Gordon's disapproval, were supporting this new Batman. Gotham got a curfew, and for the first time it wasn't for the civilians. No thug would dare to step out home after the sunset. But common thugs never were the problem, the really powerful enemies were just watching this struggle inside the family and gathering resources to attack.

“Be my Robin” I heard the whisper behind me. I was alone in the cave, trying to track Grayson and Drake. I had Cain and Brown under my sight. They were easy to locate, they told everything to the Gordon girl. Like a hero version of the girls gathering in the toilet.

“Why would I?” I said without looking at him. But I was shivering. I wasn't afraid of Todd, he liked me, and I didn't hate him. That was the first time I was recognized. The first time a Batman was asking me to be a Robin. Why had to be this Batman?

“I know you, Baby Bird. You aren't like Pretty Bird or Little Bird. You are like me. Didn't you know? Birds of a feather flock together?”

“I'm nothing like you, Todd” mocked.

“You aren't? Well, so Dick isn't showing all of his love for you? Promising you will be a Robin, but never really transforming you into it? Isn't he keeping you just satisfied enough to not complain? Or is that you really enjoy monitor duty?” he laughed. That hurt. I turned to him. “I know this family better than you, and I know you better than they do. You don't belong here.”

“So where do I belong? With the Al Ghuls? Like they care about me. I'm a tool over there. Mother told me enough times that I can be easily replaced! She still have embryos!”

“You belong to me, baby bird. And I need you” he got close to me, knelt before me, like Father did. “When I died no one avenged me. When Bruce died what they did? They enjoyed their victory. You lost a father and they asked you to join the celebration” it wasn't true, but that moment it felt like it was. “They ask you to deny your whole existence and give you nothing in return. They say you should accept people like they are, but changed all about you! They don't love you. But I do. I always did” caressed my face, smiling broadly.

I remember his love. I still have the scar on my stomach of his love. Jason Todd one night, taken by the Pit's Madness invaded my room and slaughter me in my bed. ' _You are his son! You aren't a fake! You should die! Before you'll be disappointed by him you should die! I'm doing a favor, I'm saving you_ _from_ _giving him your love and be abandoned!!_ ' every sentence pointed by a sharp thrust of my own sword in my body. Mother was by my doorstep smiling while watching her paramour stab her own son. After being thrown in the Lazarus' Pit for recovery, she, laughing, told me she had just explained to Todd who my father was. I still didn't know.

“JAYBIRD! STAY AWAY OF HIM!” Grayson shouted from the door, he was panting like he had run miles. He seemed scared.

“Hey, Dickie, how come I'm the enemy and you still use pet names?”

“You aren't the enemy, Little Wing” his tone was sad and affectionate. It was so like him, be so loving. I never can even imagine how is to feel those things. Blinking, I realized I was just a ' _yes_ ' away from being apart of him. “You never were. You can come home. We can fix all of this!”

“Don't you understand? I can't!” Jason was crying. The Pit left all his emotions on the surface, he was dead for too long when they threw him in there.

“Yes, you can, I'll fix all of this! I promise!” Dick… Grayson was trying to get near him. I was frozen in place. “I'll make everything right again” he hugged Todd, pulling his cowl away, crying with him.

“I always thought you hated me!”

“I never hated you, and never will, little wing. Back then I was angry with Bruce. Because he dragged you into this mess” he kissed his cheek, caressing Todd like he was the most precious thing in this world. And for a moment, I hate to admit, I envied Todd. “Gosh!” Grayson exclaimed and crushed the other man. “I- I'm sorry! I just realized! Just now! That you really are back!” he started to scream while hugging him. “JASON!” the said man and me were paralyzed in our places, while Grayson was melting down. We patiently waited. It wasn't the first time we met with Todd, but it was the first Grayson was able to touch him. “I missed you so badly!!” and that had Todd snapping.

“SO WHY WASN’T I AVENGED? WHY IS THAT MAN BREATHING??”

“It's not Bruce's fault!”

“Of course it isn't!” scoffed, he didn't want to face Grayson, so he glared at me, his sharp blue eyes confused, angry and sad. Jason was easy to read.

“It was mine! I stopped him!” Todd turned to him slowly, hissing. “We aren't supposed to cross that border. And Joker's death wouldn't bring you back! All I wanted was you back, Little Wing! Revenge wouldn't do that!” he was screaming. Like it was the most painful thing he was doing, admitting his own flaw. See why I hate to admit things.

“I can't stay, Grayson” whispered. He pulled his cowl over. “I'll be waiting your answer, Damian” and he was gone.

West showed up from nowhere and hugged his boyfriend. Supporting his weight for him. Grayson was miserable. When I demanded to know how they knew Todd was there West tried to dismiss me. And I knew right there, that again, I wasn't trusted. They thought I would team up with Todd, fall in temptation. I was hurt again, no father, no family, no home.

No one should be surprised that I ran to Todd. He was the only one that showed me any sign of wanting me. Of trusting. But I got there and he was extending his offer to Drake. ' _You were the best Robin, the most useful, the smartest_ ' he was seducing him, just the same way he did with me. Saying what we wanted to hear. And I knew I hadn't a place there either. He wanted a Robin, not me. Anyone would suffice.

I returned to the place I was getting used to call home defeated, desolated. Asking why someone would have the trouble of creating me in a world no one would want me. A redhead was expecting for me in my bed, green eyes glistening in the dark room. I never saw West angry as I saw him that day.

“WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF HOW WORRIED WE WERE?”

“LIKE YOU WOULD CARE ABOUT ME!” The slap echoed throughout the room.

“What bullshit are you talking?” he hugged me. “It's been three days! THREE DAYS YOU WERE MISSING IN THIS CHAOS! Dick is out there right now searching for you!” his hug crushed my bones. “I was sick worried! I came back to gather things that could help the search!” he cupped my face and looked straight into my eyes. “Why?”

“I want a place to belong” admitted. “I want someone, anyone, that can trust me. No matter what I do, everyone seems to expect I'll go on a killing spree or fuck everything up. But I haven't been nothing but in my best behavior!”

“We know! Baby bird, we do trust you!” kissed his forehead.

“So why am I not Robin? Or why am I not out there helping?” I was on the verge of screaming again.

“We've been trying to protect you! It has been too dangerous like it is!”

“Yeah? Why were you guys spying me when Todd showed up?” scowled.

“Because we knew he would try to reach you. He had tried to reach Cass, asked her to be his Robin. Then she put the cowl to show him she wasn't a Robin” laughed a little. “Dick almost had a heart attack when she did it.”

“Why no one told me nothing?” I hadn't no more strength to be angry.

“We tried to protect you. We hoped to locate Jason before he reached you. I'm sorry” West squeezed me.

Then he proceeded to warn everyone I was home, he didn't let go of me any moment. Grayson appeared almost instantly. But unlike I was expecting he didn't burst in, he was standing in my doorway, crying. Drake entered, hugged me and, as always, gave me a lesson that I couldn't care less. All I could see was Grayson looking at me without coming nearer. I stood my hand to him, gesturing for him come closer. West took Drake away and left us alone. Before I could say anything, he just fell on the floor, touching my feet lightly, and asking sorry over and over again.

Slipping from my bed, I hugged him. There was nothing else I could do. He hugged me back. He was the man I most respect in this world. I couldn't just let him be there alone on the floor.

Right after that event, the bigger foes attacked. And the cherry on the top was Todd plotting to kill the Joker. That was when too much was too much and Grayson stepped into the cowl.

“I know I said I didn't want to be Batman anymore. But this isn't what I want to, this is what I need to” he said to West, but it seemed to himself.

“I know, love. Have I ever told you look hot in this?” he broke the dark mood so easily. I brought him his belt.

“Could you take that package for me too, Baby bird?” he asked and I got it. “So…?” he took the package from my hands and handed it to me. I looked at him, an eyebrow lifted. Opening the damn thing there was a new Robin's uniform. I hated the design, but I'd changed that later. Right in that moment I could only run to dress that horrible thing and finally be what I was supposed to be.

I don't know what Todd was thinking. But as soon as Grayson showed up all black and caped he had gone away. Abandoning his almost plan to kill Joker and his cowl of new Batman. It was hard, but together we fixed the whole situation. Not only was hard, but it took a lot of time as well. But it was nice to work as Grayson's Robin. It finally felt like I'd belonged.

Until West has come to me this morning, at least. A serious front, so unusual on the ever smiling redhead. He asked me, way too formal, to have a talk. He sat me on Father's study and glared at me for long minutes.

“What?” I snapped, exasperated by his silence.

“I need to ask you one thing” he sighed.

“And it is…?”

“Would you give me permission to ask Dick in marriage?” he said in one breath, looking inside my eyes. I gasped.

“W-What?”

“I want to ask him to marry me. I love him really deeply. And I want a family with him” he grabbed my hand. “But I only will go through this if you allow me.”

“Why me?” he smiled.

“Because you are you. His Baby Bird, his Little D.”

“If this is what Grayson wants, you both can marry” I said emotionless, but West couldn't notice that. He was beaming at me. Kissed my forehead. Told he loved me and left.

Father.

You aren't here anymore. But what would have said in my place? Would you have allowed? I'm only ten, I'm not supposed to understand any of this.

I don't feel love. I just hate or not like it. And when West told me he wanted a family, I felt small. Like Fate was moving the little things I've gotten away from me. My place to belong, my home, my family. They will be going to be happy together, they will go to have their kids. And what will be of me?

What should I have done?

Say no?

But I'm a hero, Father, I can't be selfish. Can I?

You wouldn't understand what I'm feeling. This isn't love. This is the utmost fear of disappointing Grayson. You both can't know what is this. But ask Drake, Brown, Todd, Cain or even me. You guys awaken this feeling inside of us, that compels us to please you, if we can't, if we disappoint you, it's dreadful, it's like dying. This isn't love, is it? This need of pleasing. Of seeing him happy, even if this means I'll be lost?

It can't be true. This can't be.

Father.

Please.

Tell me this isn't love.

Please, tell me that I'm not finally feeling this to be left alone. To be cast away in favor of a real family, a family that can really show him love. A family that hadn't said they didn't love him.

“Damian?” great time, Grayson. Right now? “Is everything fine? You've been in here all morning. Alfred was worried you didn't show up for lunch” go away. Leave me! “Are you crying?” don't you dare to hug me, don't make me more attached! We will be severing bonds real soon, aren't we? “I love you, Baby Bird. Don't cry” go away.

“Please” go.

“Anything for you, Little D” go! Leave me at once. Don't try to amend my heart.

“Don't leave me!” did I just say that? NO! He has to leave me. He has got a new family, one that can love him for real! One not broken as I am. Father, if you’re out there, listening to me. “Please”, make Grayson “be happy”. Because, “I can't”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow the fic was all messed up. So I reuploaded and fixed it. Didn't changed anything from the content, I hope not at least. Sorry for those who read that awkward way. Many, many sorries!


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